I wore a bikini to the beach...

Ok, so two questions probably came to your mind when you read the title:

1. Why?
2. Why are you telling me about it?

I'll answer both of those for you (you probably have many more than that, but I'm not a mind reader).

I didn't wear a bikini to the beach because I look like a super model. I didn't wear a bikini to the beach because I have a perfect body. I didn't wear a bikini to the beach because I have super high self esteem and I didn't wear a bikini to the beach because I love every inch of my body. (I have never met a woman who does love every inch of her body, we all have a hang up or two.)

I wore a bikini to the beach because I wanted to prove to myself that I could (plus this pasty white tummy was just screaming for a little color). I'm insecure. I'm a girl, I think we are all born with at least a little insecurity bred into us, the media helps take care of the rest of our insecurities. I have stretch marks and cellulite. I have freckles and uneven skin tone. I have a belly, sagging skin and my thighs touch. I'm not photoshoped or air brushed... (I know, shocker!) Even the medical field adds to it, according to their BMI calculators, I'm currently over weight and have been obese most of my life.

But here's what the bikini doesn't show (or my BMI for that matter)... I can do 90 minutes of hot yoga without stopping. I can bike 14 miles at a 12 mile pace. I can jog a 5k. I can spend the day doing manual labor. I can keep up with my 3 year old (most days). I am fit, even if my body doesn't show it. 

Want to know what I learned from this experience? No one ran from me in sheer terror. No one pointed and giggled. No one stared and whispered. No one even gave me a double take. I'm not sure what I thought would happen, but it was ridiculously uneventful. Well, aside from the fact that I opted for no sunscreen because we had a canopy up and I got fried, on that pasty white tummy that I am sure has not see much of the light of day.

Now, on to why I am telling you about it. Well, because if I can do it you can do it... conquer your fear that is. Your fear may not be a bikini (and by the way, it was very tasteful suit, no tiny bikini's), but it can be conquered. I'm not saying that it has to be a huge fear that you conquer, start with the small ones. Then the big ones don't seem so unattainable.

I know I sound extremely superficial and/or narcissistic, but if you ask my hubby, you'll see what a real fear this was for me. No matter how confident I come across in person, I am a big ball of self doubt at home. I am working on just loving me.

I even remember the first time I felt heavy. It was Easter and I was about 7. My great-grandma gave me a cute, stuffed, yellow Easter bunny with fluffy white cheeks. She said that she got it for me because it reminded her of me, chubby. No, she meant that in the most loving way, but that's what sticks with a 7 year old girl. I'll have to find the picture of me from that year to share.

Let me know what fears you want to conquer... :)

to the moon and back,

Letters from a Wanna-Be Runner

See what I did there? Pretty clever, huh??

While you run, do you write imaginary letters to people, places, and/or things? No? Is it just me then? Hmm, ok, well, it makes the time go by faster for me. So here are just a few of letters I wrote in my head tonight as I ran...

By the way, as I am writing these letters in my head, I picture them being written down using a fancy pen and calligraphy.

• Dear Old, Beat-Up, Broke Down Chevy Pick-Up:
  Thank you for spewing that thick cloud of black smoke for me to inhale. My run wasn't quite challenging enough.
  Signed,
  *cough cough*
• Dear Extremely In-Shape Old Dude Who Lapped Me Like 20 Times:
  Quit showing off...
  Signed,
  Dying over here
• Dear Shadow (yes, my own shadow):
  Pick up the pace. You seem to be moving at a much slower pace that I am.
  Signed,
  Apparently, I'm Barely Moving
• Dear God of the Shoelace:
  While I'm upset that you allowed my shoe to come untied, I thank you for watching over me as I was running down the bridge and not letting me trip and tumble head over heals to my all but certain death.
  Signed,
  Almost Falling for You
• Dear Technology:
  What have I ever done to you? I have been nothing, if not nice to you. I always charge my phone and try to shut down apps so that they aren't running in the back ground. Also, I always hang the chest strap for my heart-rate monitor up so that it can dry out. I put the watch that goes with my heart-rate monitor in a safe place so it doesn't get damaged. And what do I get as thanks? Well, on a night where I needed all of the motivation I could get, my hear-rate monitor kept losing track of my heart and the app I use to track my run crashed a little over a half mile into my run.
  Signed,
  Almost Gave Up and Quit

Weren't you absolutely riveted by that glimpse of what goes on in my head while I'm running, that is while I'm running by myself. If I'm running with someone, I'm usually talking because I can't handle the silence and I'm working on my lungs... yea, that's it, lung capacity.

to the moon and back,

A tad too comfortable...

In case you haven't followed my blog from the beginning (like there are any of you out there, I mean I'm sure you have all gone back and read every single post...) I have written about me being an emotional eater.That means that if something goes well, I eat, something bad, I eat, something so-so, I eat... Terrible cycle, I know.

I have, in fact, been known to break the cycle and go for quite a while without emo-eating (that's what I'll call it, because, well... I can and because I'm much too lazy to type out emotional, every.single.time.).

Lately, however, my life has had some pretty crappy things going on, and I have grown waaaay too comfortable with comfort food.

Now, I'm not saying that I am proud of this, but I will say, that this is one time I'm ok with it. I feel like most of the time I am fighting a constant battle to eat healthy, work out, be a role model, detox, blah, blah, blah...

Give a girl a break! I'll get back to it on Monday, no seriously, this coming Monday, not that "Monday" that never seems to get here. I do miss working out, but Mr. Mac & Cheese and Captain Chips & Salsa have been good company. BTW (yea, I'm hip like that), staring at that picture is seriously making me hungry.

Quite frankly, I think breaks are good. They make you appreciate the hard work and dedication it takes to eat healthy and work out. Plus, when you get rid of the crap and get healthy again (once you get past those nasty sugar withdrawals, anyway), you feel great, or at least I do.

So here's to an end to two weeks of eating very, very, (dare I throw a third one in there?) very badly. Or an end as of Sunday. My goal is to start fresh on Monday, hey a girls gotta have goals, right?

So, there, that's a bit more sarcasm than I have thrown around lately. I hope it satisfies all of your needs for bit of light-heartedness.

to the moon and back,

For Moose..

My quest for getting healthy is not completely selfish. I mean sure, I would love to be comfortable in a bathing suit again and I would love to go out and buy cute, trendy clothes, but ultimately, my drive, my motivation is Moose.

I want him to see me as an active mom. I want to be able to run and chase him without having to take a break to catch my breath. I want him to think it's normal to pick up and go for a run, to eat veggies and lean meat. I don't want him to think that McDonald's and Dunkin Donuts is a staple in a normal diet. I don't want him to make healthy choices, I want the healthy choices to come naturally for him.

I have been on the heavier side most of my life. It's a difficult way to go through life (always wondering if people are watching what you eat, hearing the whispers "isn't she too heavy to wear that?", the assumptions "When are you due?"), I don't want him to deal with any of that.

I'm not ranting, I'm not pushing my beliefs on you. I am mainly giving myself a reminder as to my motivation. I have been sick the past few days and have been able to run or work out (believe it or not, I do MISS it) , and I know how easy it is to fall out of a routine.

Every time I look at him, I need to remember that it's all for Moose.

To the moon and back,

Run, Forest, Run

I mentioned a few posts ago that I am working towards my goal of running a 5K. While that goal has been a little delayed because of our move, I am happy to report that I am working towards it full force now and have been for about 3 weeks or so. My friend, Lacey and I have decided to tackle the goal together. It always makes it nice to have an accountability partner. We even signed up for our first 5K race at Epcot. It's the Disney Royal Family 5K at the end of February. I plan to run (ok, realistically, jog) the whole way. No walking. I don't expect to win, just finish.

I want to prove I can do it and I want to be a good role model for my son. See the thing is, I have issues with following through with things for myself. I have great ideas and lofty expectations, but after about 2 weeks, I'm done. Now, if I am working for someone else, I have great follow through and will put my whole heart into it (makes no sense, I know). I want to make this goal the exception and the start of finishing things for me!

Now, back to running, I have to say, I am enjoying it much more than I thought I would. I mean, 3 weeks ago I was dying after jogging for 30 seconds and today I ran 5 minutes straight and a total of 16 minutes with short walking breaks between. I know I still have a way to go to reach 5k status, but I'll get there.

I have heard that exercise is a natural anti-depressant, but I have never experienced it for myself. I have exercised on a regular basis and besides weight-loss, I can't say that I noticed anything else. If you have read some of my previous posts, you know that I have struggled on and off with postpartum depression. There are days when I am great, and others when I am not so much. I have also been diagnosed with PMDD (which is terribly embarrassing, but since I'm using this as my therapy, it's ok!) which is a monthly struggle. HOWEVER... since I have been running, I have felt GREAT. Seriously, I wouldn't have believed it if I wasn't experiencing it.

From the day I had Moose, all I have said that I just want to feel normal mentally again (back to my old self) with out forcing everything and I am happy to say that running has brought that back for me. Don't get me wrong, I have an AMAZING God, hubby, son, family and friends who have all helped tremendously, but the running has given me that final boost. I can't really explain it but my mind is clearer, I am more at ease and way less stressed out.

I can't thank my hubby enough for supporting me and helping out more so I have time to run, and Lacey for darn near killing me by pushing me to my limits when we run together.

All in all, I am super excited about the 5K next month and I will definitely write about my experience... that is, if I survive...

Plus, if I am ever going to have a second child, I need to get this goal out of the way and hopefully it will help me be in the best shape ever!

To the moon and back,

C25K... I'm off the couch

This is not what I look like when I run, I'm way more graceful!

So, in my journey to fitness and skinnydom I have set a goal to run a 5K.

Yep... me... a 5K... what am I thinking? I'm excited about the idea of running a 5K, it was a goal of mine prior to having Moose, that I never saw come to fruition so now is the time. I feel like it would be an amazing sense of accomplishment to run/jog the whole thing and finish. Ok, so it's not as great as a marathon or anything, but I'm taking baby steps as I'm generally not a fan of setting goals because it makes your failures that much more prominent, but this is one I am really hoping to stick with till the end.

My vehicle for achieving my goal is the C25K app. So far I love it, my body, not so much (in fact, I think it's screaming for me to stop). The premise is a no brainer, run and walk until you build up the strength to eventually run the whole thing. Duh, sounds simple enough. What I really like about it, is that while you are doing the plan you keep the app running (will also sync with your iTunes playlist) and it tells you what to do and when to do it. I like that, guide me oh electronic fitness coach, guide me. It takes all of the guess work out of it. I don't have to constantly check my time on a stop watch, or keep track of how many sets I have done. It also has a place where I can journal about the day's run and it keeps track on what day I am on.

I, of course, happen to be an overachiever, I am already on day 3 and I just started on Saturday morning. I know what you are thinking, "But Jen, you are only supposed to do it 3 days a week." Well, yeeeees, and if I had read all of the instructions thoroughly, I would have known that, but I don't like to read instructions so my body is paying the price! My bad... Anyway, the makers of C25K claim to take you from the couch to completing a 5K in 9 short weeks and if I can make it, anyone can.

Now that I have completed the first three runs in record time, I am walking around like either a 98 year old woman riddled with arthritis (only I think I grumble and complain more) or an 11 month baby old learning to walk (and still, I think I stumble more). Even though I am in pain, it's a good pain. It's a pain that I can live with because I know that I am doing something great. I am being an active mommy for Moose! I also have to give credit to my hubby. He has pushed Moose in the stroller and ran with me two of the three times and I love the idea of doing it as a family.

I do think that I have found the perfect pair of running shoes. Let me know what you think...

 

Haha!!! I love them!! Can't you just see me running down the street in these?

To the moon & back,