Sense of Entitlement

Something happened the other night, wait... strike that. It didn't just happen, it slapped me across the face and made me realize I take waaaaaaay too much for granted.

And it started with a futon.

Jon and I rearranged our back room/dinning and decided that a futon would be a great way to not only make it roomier, but also add extra sleeping area. So, I did what anyone would do and turned to the swipswap pages on facebook.

Not too long after posting that I was searching for one, someone posted that they had one. She sent pics and I set up a time to go look at it. I asked what she wanted for it and she said to make her an offer.

Let me explain something... I hate making offers on anything. 1. Because I feel like I'm gonna get screwed and offer more than it's worth. 2. I feel like I'm going to insult the person selling the item. (PS don't even ask me to negotiate. "Oh, you want $20? Let me give you $25, I don't want to put you out.")

So, I wrote her back and said, "How about $40 is that ok? I really don't know what to offer."

She immediately wrote back, "I'll take that!"

I should have known then that something was up.

The following night, Jon, Moose and I loaded up in the truck, put the address in the GPS and headed for Deland. Here's the thing with GPS's, they don't tell you what kind of neighborhood it is. We may have chosen not to go.

The more we drove and the closer we got we realized that this may be a bad neighborhood. Then, we had to turn at a little run down convenience store. Across the street was a group of about 10 men who looked questionable to say the least (now, I'm sure I was jumping to conclusions and they were holding a road side bible study, but I digress...). We could literally feel them staring us down as we drove by.

We came to the neighborhood to turn into. It was a trailer park (not a mobile home or modular home development). The trailers all looked as thought they had seen better days. There were children playing in the streets and dogs roaming around.

I'm ashamed to admit that I looked at Jon and said "Is it too late to turn around?"

Then I saw her. The trailer she stepped out of was one of the smallest and seemed to be one of the oldest. She was all of about 18 years old and was preceded by her pregnant belly. Her boyfriend (and the father of her child who looked equally as young) was with her as was her dad.

Jon looked at it first and came back to ask what I thought. I said I'd look at it, but we would buy it no matter what.

When I got out to look at it, she said "I'll take $35 or $30, really whatever you guys want."

Jon handed her the $40 and we loaded it up and left.

As we drove away, I looked at Jon and said, "We don't even know how blessed we are. We take so much for granted."

We aren't entitled to anything that we have. In fact, we don't deserve any of it, especially if we aren't using it to serve others.

The pastor at a church we are attending said, "The money in my wallet is a tool to change the world, not buy more comfort." How are you changing the world? It doesn't take much. 

I'm not saying that you should be giving away everything you have, but are you using every penny you earn to buy your own happiness? The name brand purse, the fancy shoes, the expensive car, the over priced coffee (my word, did I just say that?)... Are you constantly searching for that one thing that's going to fill you up? You aren't going to find it until you find out how to serve others and give with a joyful heart. 

to the moon and back,

I am made

i am made for smiles

made for laughs 

made for giggles

i am made for hugs

made for snuggles

made for wiggles

i am made for dirt

made for rocks

made for balls

i am made for scrapes

made for bruises

made for falls

i am made for running

made for jumping

made for biking

i am made for digging

made for building

made for hiking

i am made for soaring

made for flying

made for reaching

i am made for loving

made for caring

made for teaching

I am made for helping

made for doing

made for giving

I am made for serving

made for aiding

made for living

to the moon and back,

Whirlwind...

I woke up and it was Halloween. I went to bed and woke up and it was New Years. Yes, that's what it seems like. I can't for the life of me figure out where the latter part of 2012 went. I remember that we had a great Halloween, Thanksgiving, 13 year wedding anniversary, Christmas, birthday and new years, but they almost seem like they happened the same day.

So, here we are in 2013 and all I have heard about lately is resolutions. What are mine, you ask? Well, I don't have any specifically, but generally speaking I guess I have a few.

Everyone loves a bulleted list, right? So here we go...

• Continue on my healthier living trek (mind, body & spirit). Technically, this started before 2013, but I want to make sure I continue with it.
• With that in mind here are a few things I am doing to keep up with that
• I'm doing a 21 day Yoga Challenge (21 days straight of yoga, no skipping or I'm out) and today was day 12.
• Eating cleaner, I'm back to eating more veggies and less processed foods. I've managed to stay away from fast food (other than subway) for a few months now.
• I'm also eliminating things that take up time, but don't serve the greater good, like God, my family or my friends.
• Spend more time with my son and husband
• Spend more time with God
• To care less about making everyone else happy and care more about making myself happy, my husband happy and my son happy
• Drink a little more coffee and a little more choffy
• Wear more heels and dress up more

I don't think those are too hard. A few of these might be a tad challenging for me. Why? Because I don't know how to say "no". I'm a "yes" girl and I know that's not always a good thing. I tend to spend time stressing over what everyone thinks of me and if they like me and if they are happy instead of doing what makes me happy or what makes me feel good. Constant worrying does not do a body good.

So, if you ask me to do something, and I say "no", please don't take it personally. It just means that maybe, spending time watching TV with my husband and son is a little more important.

To the moon and back...

I wandered

I kinda feel like this is my testimony. I've had times in my walk when I've fallen away, felt empty, betrayed, but I have realized that with out Jesus, there's really no comfort, no forgiveness and no healing.

A few years ago, I lost my cousin to cancer. She was a year older than me and at the time left behind a 6 year old daughter. Nothing made sense. I was angry at God. I realize now that everything happens for a reason. Good, bad or indifferent, it's not for us to know why. If we didn't have the lows, how would we recognize the highs?

i wandered the street
empty and broken
a shell of love song
better left unspoken
angry and bitter
a soul full of blame
no light to the world
just a snuffed out flame
seeking some guidance
some comfort, some peace
but the resentment's still clutching
no sign of release
when a stranger reached out
offering a hand
promising life
if i just take a stand
but what good is a life
if it's just full of pain
He said to be washed
with His blood comes gain
forgiveness and mercy
flow from His scars
release from this temporary
life behind bars
bars of pain
of sickness and death
i turned to His face
to be filled with His breath
i reached at His robe
for just a touch of healing
begging for love
engulfed with a feeling
i wandered the street
empty and broken
found peace in my savior
and the love He has spoken

Of love and loss and grieving....

Ok, I stole that title from my bosses blog, but it's fitting.

I could start this blog off with "Wow, it's, like totally, been a really long time since I last blogged. I've been sooo super busy with my crazy important life but I totally promise to be better about posting!" (please feel free to read that in your best Valley Girl voice circa 1983), but I won't. Truth is, life happens and while I love writing, and emptying my head of random thoughts (yes, thoughts, plural, I do manage to have more than one, however, trains of thought quickly derail), I also have family, friends, 2.5 jobs, running and the like that fill my days.

I have had a blog brewing in my little brain about the "Are You Mom Enough" article, but my luke warm opinions about most things coupled with the fact that I haven't actually read past the title of the article, have hindered me from diving into that topic further. I am fairly certain, though, that I am not mom enough when you take into account that my almost 3 year old watches TV, has had his vaccinations as well as tylenol & motrin, was only breastfed (and not exclusively, there was formula in the mix) until 14 months, has had (on occasion) a PB&J for breakfast and navigates my iPhone better than me. But that's beside the point, on to the task at hand.

Tonight, I write of love, loss and grieving...

Love... The love of a gracious God, the love of a remarkable mother, the love of humbled friends. First, there is the love of gracious God who gives peace to a family who needs all of the comfort they can get. He has laid out the plans for them and gives them strength though the pain. Then there is the love of a mother, a love that has no rivals. I don't think you can truly understand it until you become one. I'm not taking away from the love a father has for his child, but I am saying that it is a bit different when you have carried, nurtured and felt the child moving from inside you. We give them our bodies for 9 months and in turn they take a piece of our heart with them on the way out. Finally, the love of humbled friends, who no matter how much they do for their friends, no matter how much they give, they are humbled to have the friend who is in need trying to comfort them through her loss.

Loss... One of my dearest friends and her family is having to go through what no one should ever have to experience, the loss of a child. Just a few days ago, after giving birth, she lost her son (you can read about it here). Throughout the pregnancy and birth, she gave her worries to God and above all asked for His will to be done. God's will was done, and part of His plan for Emmett was unveiled as he was able to be an organ donor and has the opportunity to help save the lives of two babies. 

Grieving... I can never claim to know what she is feeling, but I know that since Thursday night, I have been wandering around in a fog with an emptiness in my chest. My heart aches for them and I hate that we (her friends) can't be closer to help her through this and to keep her mind occupied. It's a very helpless feeling to have so much distance between us and to not be able to be with her.

It's amazing how someone so little can fill your heart so much and how you can be filled with so much love so someone that you never got to meet, hold, talk to or cuddle with.

My prayers continue to go out to the Jackson family, I hope you will do the same.

to the moon and back,

"Be Still and Know I am God"

While motherhood has been the most rewarding, stressful, beautiful, disgusting, hilarious, and bittersweet, it has also left me wondering, "How do I fit it all in?"

How do I fit in time for Moose?
How do I fit in time for hubby?
How do I fit in time to cook, clean and coupon (my new obsession)?
How do I fit in time to work?
How do I fit in time with the extended family?
How do I fit in time to exercise?
How do I fit in time for friends?
How do I fit in "me" time?
And most importantly...
How do I fit in time for God?

What? Scheduling time for God? You mean Sunday morning isn't enough? Oh, yea, Sunday morning... I remember doing something called "Church" on Sunday... prior to having Moose. Where can I find the time to be still and know that He is God?

Since I had Moose, on Sunday's you can find me in the nursery at church. I can't remember the last time I sat through a full service. Moose has decided that if I'm not in the nursery with him, then he must cry like he is being tortured, which leads to other kids crying and stressed out nursery workers and then no one is having fun. So to save the sanity of the poor parent who has volunteered their time, I either sit in the nursery with him, or I take him in the service and leave halfway through because he is wiggling.

Because of this, I have felt spiritually starved. Craving to get lost in His word, but never making it a priority. Tonight, I had the utmost pleasure of meeting with some other moms of little ones (without the little ones) who were also in need of a bible study. I have to say, it was so needed and I am so looking forward to more of these. I left study feeling blessed, comforted, reassured, supported and closer to these women than ever.

I'll leave you with a passage of scripture that was in our study tonight and ask you this, are you Martha or Mary?

³⁸ As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
   ⁴¹ “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

To the Moon and Back,

 

Everything to everyone?

To be everything to everyone is impossible. So why do we try? Who knows... Cause it's better to be liked than not?

Why do we try so hard when in the end it doesn't matter? You can't be everything to everyone, so why not spend the time making it count to the ones who really matter?

I'm guilty of taking things and people for granted. I put on a polite smile and a kind word for people I don't even know (and quite frankly, don't matter in the grand scheme of things) but I come home grouchy and grumpy to the people who love me and want to be with me. Why do I do that? Granted, it's not an everyday occurrence (I'm not that bad to be around!), but it happens more than it should. I am very blessed to have an amazing group (friends & family) around me. I may not have the material stuff, but I'm coming to grips with that because (like my brother-in-law says) they won't be pulling a U-Haul behind my hearse.

I think at some point we all take those we love for granted, thinking (whether consciously or unconsciously) that they will always be there. And, really, shouldn't they be able to deal with us and our moods? We deal with theirs! I don't think so. Yes, we should be able to talk to them about what's going on and how we feel, but not to take it out on them. I hate how easily I get frustrated at times because of some outside influence (bills, road rage, laundry, etc...) and I hate how I let things like that (that don't matter) effect my mood and my family.

I'm a Christian and I should be giving my worries to God, but man is it hard, and I feel like less of a Christian when I can't. How do you give it to Him and why does it seem so easy for some people? Seriously, what makes me think that I can do a better job than Him? Why am I such a control freak? Why do I have more questions than answers?? :)

I know that I can't be everything to everyone. I know that I can't make everyone happy. I just hope that I am making the important ones happy. I hope that above everything I'm making God proud and my family (I include friends when I say family) proud and I hope that both know how they are my everything.