Relationships are hard... and stuff

I debated whether or not to write this post because it's a touchy subject and I tend to censor myself because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. However, I feel like this subject has come up quite a bit lately and I think because Jon and I are so open about the issues we have had, people feel they can talk to me. The taboo topic??? Marriage problems....

I will preface this by saying that I am not judging those who are divorced. If you feel as though I'm calling you out, then you may have a guilty conscience. I am only referring to my own personal experience.

Around 2007, Jon and I were going through a very rough patch. Although, I'd have to say it was more me than him. I'm a bottler, I bottle up all of my feelings inside and shove them down into a black hole and try to go on as if they weren't there. I had gotten to a point where that black hole was full. Full of anger, disappointment, frustration, hurt feelings, and so on, and so on... We had become roommates, who just co-existed. To the world, though, we looked like the perfect couple. The acting was exhausting.

I was done, I couldn't do it anymore. I told him I wanted a divorce.

• "You want kids and I'm not sure I do and I can't take that from you."
• "You deserve someone who will love you as much as you love them."
• "I don't want to hurt you anymore."
• "I don't want to keep you in a relationship that I'm not sure will work."

Those were mostly true, but not the real reasons, but for me, it was easier to ask for a divorce than to actually tell him what I didn't like about him anymore. Looking back, I realize how selfish I was being. I was taking the choice away from him. Maybe he wants me more than he wants kids, maybe he want's to know what I wasn't happy with because he'd be willing to change. Maybe he was done, too. Regardless, I wasn't giving him a chance.

It was just easier to walk away.

He asked me to try, really try to make it work. He begged for me to talk to him. We cried, we talked, we listened, we were brutally honest. We talked more in the following 2 weeks than we had the previous 7 years. How sad, but we learned an important lesson, communication and prayer is key.

Another lesson that I have learned since then is that we need to learn to lean on God more to fulfill our need for love. He is the only one who loves us with a sacrificial love. When we expect that kind of love from our spouse alone and expect them to fill our every need, we are doomed to always feel alone because they will never fill all of them, nor are they supposed to. 

However, having said that, it's way easier said than done. Jon and I didn't talk (really talk) for a very long time and it almost lead to divorce. The problem is that communication and truth can hurt, so we tend to avoid it. I'm not saying we are perfect now, far from it, but we are so much better than where we were. 

Relationships are hard, they take work. They are not these fairy tales we see on TV and in movies. I'd even go out on a limb and say every relationship takes work, and if you say it doesn't (ie "Our relationship is perfect and we never have any problems. We are soul mates who love each other unconditionally!"), I might even go as far as to call you a fibber, either that or you are still in the "honeymoon" phase. :)

Anyway, I share this here so that maybe someone gets a little comfort in knowing they aren't the only one. Everyone goes through rough patches (to varying degrees) at some point.  Hang in there, fight for it, pray for it, communicate for it. Keep in mind you loved your spouse enough to marry them in the first place.

to the moon and back,

I Hope My Son Marries an Orphan...

Yea, I know that seems blunt... but there is truth in humor, right?

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, I've had conversations with other moms of boys who have said the same thing. They just may not admit it too publicly. Me? I'm not afraid. I have a feeling I will be like the Jane Fonda character in the movie "Monster-In-Law". “It's wonderful being in love. But I don't think marriage is the best solution to a thing like this.”

What I am afraid of is my son falling in love and running away with her family. Is that wrong?

Seriously, he's not even two yet and I am worrying about his future family. But when I found out that he was a "he", that was one of the first thoughts I had. Well... actually... when I found out he was a boy, I cried for a day thinking "What am I gonna do with a boy?" when in reality I think I would have done the same thing if I found out I was having a girl. I think that "knowing" was just what finally made it real for me.

Everything I have heard from the mothers of girls is that, yeah, it may be harder to raise girls, but once they grow up, girls still need their mothers. Most of what I have heard from mothers of boys is that they get married and adopt the wife's family. I'm terrified of that. I love the fact that my son needs me and thinks I am the greatest person ever (I am, after all, the greatest person ever, it's just nice that he recognizes it) and I am the most important woman in his life.

Not to mention, I really don't want to see some girl who thinks she knows whats best for him. Is this a premature fear? Yes, and I am aware of that. Does that make it any less real? No...

So in conclusion, I hope my son marries an orphan, that way there is no competition. Yes, I'm selfish, I am aware of that too... the sooner everyone else realizes that, the better off we will all be... :)