Saturday, September 7, 2013

Relationships are hard... and stuff

I debated whether or not to write this post because it's a touchy subject and I tend to censor myself because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. However, I feel like this subject has come up quite a bit lately and I think because Jon and I are so open about the issues we have had, people feel they can talk to me. The taboo topic??? Marriage problems....

I will preface this by saying that I am not judging those who are divorced. If you feel as though I'm calling you out, then you may have a guilty conscience. I am only referring to my own personal experience.

Around 2007, Jon and I were going through a very rough patch. Although, I'd have to say it was more me than him. I'm a bottler, I bottle up all of my feelings inside and shove them down into a black hole and try to go on as if they weren't there. I had gotten to a point where that black hole was full. Full of anger, disappointment, frustration, hurt feelings, and so on, and so on... We had become roommates, who just co-existed. To the world, though, we looked like the perfect couple. The acting was exhausting.

I was done, I couldn't do it anymore. I told him I wanted a divorce.

  • "You want kids and I'm not sure I do and I can't take that from you."
  • "You deserve someone who will love you as much as you love them."
  • "I don't want to hurt you anymore."
  • "I don't want to keep you in a relationship that I'm not sure will work."
Those were mostly true, but not the real reasons, but for me, it was easier to ask for a divorce than to actually tell him what I didn't like about him anymore. Looking back, I realize how selfish I was being. I was taking the choice away from him. Maybe he wants me more than he wants kids, maybe he want's to know what I wasn't happy with because he'd be willing to change. Maybe he was done, too. Regardless, I wasn't giving him a chance.

It was just easier to walk away.

He asked me to try, really try to make it work. He begged for me to talk to him. We cried, we talked, we listened, we were brutally honest. We talked more in the following 2 weeks than we had the previous 7 years. How sad, but we learned an important lesson, communication and prayer is key.

Another lesson that I have learned since then is that we need to learn to lean on God more to fulfill our need for love. He is the only one who loves us with a sacrificial love. When we expect that kind of love from our spouse alone and expect them to fill our every need, we are doomed to always feel alone because they will never fill all of them, nor are they supposed to. 

However, having said that, it's way easier said than done. Jon and I didn't talk (really talk) for a very long time and it almost lead to divorce. The problem is that communication and truth can hurt, so we tend to avoid it. I'm not saying we are perfect now, far from it, but we are so much better than where we were. 

Relationships are hard, they take work. They are not these fairy tales we see on TV and in movies. I'd even go out on a limb and say every relationship takes work, and if you say it doesn't (ie "Our relationship is perfect and we never have any problems. We are soul mates who love each other unconditionally!"), I might even go as far as to call you a fibber, either that or you are still in the "honeymoon" phase. :)

Anyway, I share this here so that maybe someone gets a little comfort in knowing they aren't the only one. Everyone goes through rough patches (to varying degrees) at some point.  Hang in there, fight for it, pray for it, communicate for it. Keep in mind you loved your spouse enough to marry them in the first place.

to the moon and back,


  1. Thanks for your the honesty...I remember when you guys were going through that junk!!!! Praise God, you and Jon saw it through. Marriage is the toughest relationship and the most rewarding relationship there is...God created it...Beautiful as it is...we are never going to be perfect to each other, because we are human. John tells us in 1st John...Perfect love cast out fear...that perfect love come from God's Son..and when the marriage is intertwined with God..much like a braid. IT Works!! We've been through some rough patches ourselves and if more couples would share that honestly..I believe we would have less divorce...thanks for sharing

  2. not trying to be anonymous..This is Janelle

  3. Thank you for the amazing share. Unfortunately for me, this tale sounds all to familiar and even more unfortunate my ex-wife never gave us the chance to work on it. It does take work. The excitement of the honeymoon fades and we fall into a role. Without communication those little issues get run through our minds over and over until they become bricks in a wall that is very hard to tear down. Many times one spouse has no clue that it is going on and that there is even a question in the relationship. Bravo to you for caring and working on the relationship. You both deserve praise for being strong enough to see the light. Divorce may seem like the easy way to go but the work that goes into a divorce and how it affects a torn family is much, much harder.

  4. I agree with you both! Bill, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize, but yes, at times the other person has no idea until it's too late. That's where the communication comes in. Divorce is definitely hard, especially when there are kids involved.