Most Days I'm OK

Most days I am ok, lots of days I'm great, but some days my miscarriage still gets to me. I guess that's normal, it's only been a few months, but some people seem to move on so easily. Or at least on the surface they do, I guess I don't know their heart.

Anyway, some days it doesn't even cross my mind, and some days I think, I'd be almost 7 months now which means we would have definitely known what we were having. Some days, I wonder what it would be like.

Those days are fewer and farther between than the beginning, but on those days I beat myself up a little more. Was it the theraflu that I took when I was 4 weeks along because I felt like I was dying from the flu? Did I work out too much? Was I too unsure about it? Was it because I wasn't bonding with the baby or was I not bonding because God wouldn't let me?

I have gotten to where I really love babies, but on those few days, I don't want to talk about babies or baby things. I don't want to hear people complaining about their babies (even though on a normal day it's perfectly fine, moms need to vent).

I don't like having to answer the question "So, are you going to have any more?" by someone who doesn't know. I then feel some absurd need to explain to them how we had tried but I miscarried and now I need a little time. They don't need to know that and I'm sure it makes them feel bad.

Mostly, on those days, I feel bad for feeling bad. I get this little voice in the back of my head that says "Why are you even sad, there was no baby? No baby even developed." Now, I know that regardless of whether there was a baby or not, I was almost 10 weeks at the time and my body was pregnant, but on those days, Satan, gets a foothold and tries to pull me down.

I know that some of these thoughts are still hormonal changes, and to help with that I am doing some natural remedies (acupuncture and Chinese herbs) that I'll blog about later. I know that these are normal thoughts (or at least I think they are) and yet, that doesn't make me feel better at the time.

I'm feeling this way a little tonight, but it will pass. Like I have said before, this blog is more for my therapy, than it is for anything else.

Thanks for sticking around even when I'm gloomy! :)

to the moon and back,

Questions I Hate (yes HATE)

"Aren't you ready for another one?" So, aside from "do you think he's hungry?" that is my least favorite question out there.

People have no shame. I remember holding my two week old baby and someone asked me if I was ready for another one. "Huh?" I thought "I'm not entirely sure I knew what I was getting into with this one!" I mean really, does everyone in the free world think that just because you procreated once that you are suddenly ready to be the star of your own show "Jon & Jen Plus 10?" Some people only want one child, some want 19, some tried so hard for that first one that the thought of going through that again may be devastating. My husband and I waited almost 10 years (by choice) to have Moose, best decision we ever made, but we still have not decided if we will have another one. We are still having too much fun with Moose! Plus, let me, at the very least, get him potty trained!

As I mentioned above, my next least favorite question "Do you think he's hungry?" Now I don't get this one as much anymore since Moose is almost 2, but when he was little, he had about a 2 month period where he was extra fussy (mainly gassy)  and when he would start to cry, I would inevitably get the question "Do you think he is hungry?" In some instances he could have just eaten and they'd still ask. In other instances, I'd be thinking "I don't know, he can't tell me and I can't read his mind." Asking questions like that to a new mom only frustrates us (because we don't know how to fix the broken baby), no matter how nicely you meant it.

Another horrible and I mean HORRIBLE question is "When are you due?" I don't care if you can see a hand print of the unborn fetus protruding from her belly, don't ask... She may have just swallowed a small child, you don't know. I was asked that question (not once, but twice... ugh) and it was not pleasant. The second time I was asked was finally the motivation I needed to lose weight (at the time, I was about 75lbs overweight). The sad thing is that immediately after the guy asked me that question, he realized it was not appropriate and the life drained out of his face. I simply replied "I'm not, but, uh, thanks for noticing!?!" Stupid question, guys, erase it from your small talk library!

These are just a few to start off with, I have many more, and I am sure they will be the topics of future posts. None of these questions have been asked to me recently, they just popped into my head and I needed to release some pressure up there!

What questions tick you off?

I'm a planner, not a fighter...

Well, ok, I'm a fighter when I'm not able to plan the way I like. Now, I'm not compulsive about it or anything, but, for example, if I have a trip coming up, I like the details mapped out. I want to know that we have a hotel room set up, that the flight has been booked, what day we are leaving, what day we are coming back...

A perfect example is my son's birthday. Last year for his first birthday we did Super Mario Bros (an homage to my childhood). I had the theme picked out before he was born... Sad, I know. But the worst part is that while I was planning that one, I was already tossing up ideas for his 2nd birthday (and I wonder why it's going by so fast). Monkeys or Muppets? Muppets or Monkeys? So I force my preferences on my son, he's not old enough to decide yet, so he gets the birthday's I never had... I figure I have plenty of years to give him the birthdays that he wants. (Ughhh... I dread the days where he will  beg of mass marketed movie or TV birthday themes... No offense if you like those, just not my cup of tea.)

Monkeys, by the way, that's what I chose for birthday #2... "Monkey See, Monkey Do, Little Moose, is turning 2!"

Back to planning, one of the things that drives me the most crazy (one on a very long list), is to know something is coming up, and not being able to plan properly. I want all my ducks in a row.... I want all my bags packed.... At the very least a rough time-line will do, but to have nothing.... UGH.... murder for me. I mean I can be as spontaneous as the next gal, but for matters of big things, I want a plan.

When I was pregnant with my son, I remember thinking "When can I find out what I am having? 18 weeks! Sweet!! What? My next appointment isn't until I'm 22 weeks? Well can't we schedule early?" Boo... I didn't like that at all. Once I found out? I was buying paint, picking out fabric so my mom could make his quilt, registering at baby stores, emptying out the room that would be his room... I love my friends who waited to see what they were having, but I couldn't have done it. Planning makes me feel good... makes me feel in control and everyone knows that I'm all about control!

Here's his room :)